“Are you cold?”
I nodded, and he stripped his sweater off his back, placing it on my shoulders. He kept his hand on my waist as we strolled beside the slowly running stream. The multi-coloured leaves crunched under our feet, mashing them into the mud. A squirrel scurried up a tree in the distance. I knew that while I focused on my surroundings, he focused on me. The feeling of guilt struck my chest, so I glanced up at his face. Our eyes met, he smiled, and then leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. His intention to cheer me failed.
We soon arrived at a pond, dotted with fallen leaves. He picked up a small flat rock, and then tossed it across the surface. Frightened pond dwellers fled from the water ripples. A frog leapt from the depths, splashing his pants and soaking them through. He yelped, but laughed it off. I merely smiled. Why wasn’t I laughing too? The sight of him covered in muck with his bright warming smile should have been enough to make me giggle. I didn’t feel like myself.
Taking my hand, he led me to an open field. The grass around it had grown tall and strong; I felt minuscule next to it. Halfway across, he fell back a little, then I felt his arms wrap around my waist. Embracing me from behind, he slid his chin into the space between my neck and my shoulder. He was warm and comforting; fireworks should have been bursting inside me. But there was not even a spark. Was I sick? Had I grown numb to such affection? I was my own stranger. He was what I had been waiting for, what I dreamed of having. But it was having no effect on me.
I became ashamed. He gave me all this love and I was returning none of it. Why did he even stay for this long? By now he should have been gone, leaving me heartbroken. But I knew that this time, it was going to be the other way around. Of course I didn’t want it to happen, who would? Who would want to be so cruel to such a kind soul? I had to take this path to cure my sickness. I just wished he wasn’t the vaccine.
Leaving the field, hands still entwined, we headed towards the exit. Time was running out, I had to do the action that I would regret. I had to heal my disease before I was shipped to emergency. Stopping in my tracks, I took his other hand and looked him in the eye.
“I don’t love you like I did yesterday.”
His grip on me tightened, the blow had taken full force. The thread that held up his heart snapped. He said nothing, but soon his muscles relaxed, and his hands fell from mine. All I wanted to do was shield him from my own evil. I wished that I could take it all away, and be the one that caught his tears. But the damage was done.
“Why?”
His lips trembled as he spoke, his eyes searching my face for a reason for what I did. How could I tell him that he was the reason to change who I used to be? If I told him, he would not have understood. Anything I told him he would not have understood.
“I’m sorry.”
Kissing him on the cheek, I began to walk away. I did not turn back to see whether or not his gaze followed. It would have hurt me either way. I continued down the path towards the exit, towards a new life. I would never forget the adoration he gave me. It gave me the motivation and strength to become a better person. So that one day, I might be worthy enough to receive a love like that, and to give it back.
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